Upside Down, Inside Out

So... since this is a record of my families history, for prosperity and all that, I guess i have to blog about what has happened these past 3 weeks. There is good and there is bad. Life is upside down and inside out and better then it has been in a long time. Makes no sense I know. This post is about me. But on a side note, I just want the world to know that my kids have been so amazing through all of this that I gave them ice cream for breakfast this morning. Yep. Im that kind of mom.

So, it all began, June 27th. You see I had a small bulging disc in my back and some inflammation that was pinching off nerves in my legs. So i had pain. I was ok, I could still do everything, but I could be better. Talked to my dr, he suggested an epidural steroid shot. It was supposed to be awesome and I started making plans of all the things I could do after I got this shot. I was supposed to walk out of there in ten minutes, drive in 4 hours then be awesome for like the next year or so! I was gonna be the momma and wife I'd always wanted to be! Skateboarding with my kids, keeping the house clean because it hurt to do laundry, exercising, swimming, so many awesome things. Alas, it was not meant to be.

I went to the surgery center. Had a dr who wasnt lets say " on top of her game" and she ended up shooting me in a bunch of nerves and causing permanent nerve damage. Three weeks of excruciating pain, ( like Im being electrocuted 24/7) from the injection site in my back down both legs, and I can't really walk, defintely can't drive. I am now at the point where I can take care of the kids alone ( in a new way of course, much slower) and I have gone through alot these past two weeks getting used to a new life. I go see the neurologist august 2nd for testing to see exactly what nerves are damaged and to see if they can do anything about it. So now, I wait, and be patient, and do my best to have a happy attitude. Even though today, I really want to go to walmart and buy dog food. Silly, huh. Keith almost lost his job cause he had to stay home two weeks caring for me.... I couldn't even get to the bathroom alone, i would pass out from pain, my legs just didn't work. After two weeks in bed, then another week caring for the kids alone and resting constantly, I am able to walk across the house! With alot of pain meds of course. And Mt. dew. And my Father in Heaven. It would take a whole new post to describe the blessings that have come from this experience. In fact, I probably will write another post about that because it's important. It's really really important. Because with all that I've been through and my family has been through, we have been immensely blessed. We are doing this new life. We are working together and becoming closer and becoming closer to God in the process. It's amazing. It's worth the pain. I'm not sure why this happened to me, but I'm thankful because it has given me my priorities back, my family back, my husband back, it has given me a new life, an upside down, inside out life, but it's ok. I'm gonna be just fine. :)

A Post On Weight....

My friend sent me a text the other day... it was of a sign she saw at hobby lobby, and she thought of us when she saw it.. it read:
"There is a skinny girl inside of me screaming to get out... I can usually shut her up with cookies"
How awesome is that???? A little background on me. I was always really petite, and when I turned 13, an innocent comment from a boy down the street made me realize, maybe im not as petite as i thought!! With other huge trials going on in my life, a sick mom a sick grandma, and having to care for them, I needed some control in my life. I could control what I ate. At this time I also was getting into animal rights and activism. What better way to begin to control my weight by becoming vegetarian! It was a win-win situation! Well, as I went along in my life, at age 13 and on, my weight got lower and lower, I ate less and less, and felt pretty dang good about myself! I started getting compliments like " you are sooo skinny!" to me that was an amazing compliment! It became more and more a part of my life, this "weight" journey and by the time I was 17 I weighed about 80 lbs. I thought I looked amazing. Well, I kind of looked like a skinny lollipop, with a big head. i was in the throes of a very serious eating disorder. An eating disorder that didn't end until I got married and my dear husband said to me, you are so beautiful, no matter what weight. Then I couldn't get pregnant. The doctor said, gain about 20 lbs. I was up to about 100 lbs by then already, and I couldn't FATHOM going over the 100 mark. But I wanted a baby!! So I ate. and ate. and ate. I gained exactly 20 lbs and boom! I was pregnant! Then I got to really eat whatever I wanted because I was pregnant! Then after I had Dylan, I got pregnant again! And I ate whatever I wanted AGAIN!!! Then after Marlee was born, i lost some weight, just from chasing two babies under the age of 2 around. Then I got pregnant again. With twins. I lost one of the babies, and for awhile we didnt think that the other baby was going to make it either. So I ate. and was depressed. Then 9 months later I had a beautiful baby girl. And I ate. Then I got sick. I was diagnosed with early onset parkinsons disease, fibromyalgia and depression. The medicines helped me to walk, but also helped me to gain even more weight!!! At the last count, I am pushing over 200 lbs!!!! YOWZA!!!! So.... I decided that I was going to get moving more, eat clean and better, and be a good example to my kids. But I have to tell you, I have lived my life in fear almost, that someone was going to "see" me in this condition, ya know. FAT.
When my friend sent me that text and I saw that sign I laughed. Hard. I then realized that I wasnt the only person in this entire world who was overweight. So I then decided that I was going to let people see me. I was going to stop living like a little hermit and get out and be ME!!!! Me is a fun person you see. I am loud and giggly and energetic and fun!!!! Of course, I havent been that person lately. I have been living my life worried about what others would think of me. So.. I am going to exercise, eat awesome, and be healthy. If I lose weight awesome! But Im not going to let it become who I am . Im going to be me. But hopefully a healthier me. I wanted to write this post, so that everyone knew, yup, im fat. But im also super fun!!! So to all the girls out there who are feeling down about your weight, dont. Remember you are not the only one and Heavenly Father loves you no matter what! Be healthy with me!!! Im going to start keeping a blog about what I eat, how i move my body each day and most importantly, how i FEEL!!!! If you wanna come along for the ride, let me know!!! :) With Love, Jaelle